We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the details. Today’s topic: What to do if you find yourself in a sexless relationship.
Q: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a year. When we first met, we had sex every single day. It was great, and we both talked about how happy we were. But a few months ago, she stopped wanting to have sex. It was like a night and day difference. I don’t understand what happened. I have tried everything I can think of to get her interested again, but nothing is changing. Every time I try to talk to her, she changes the subject, tells me she doesn’t feel like talking, or says stuff like, “I don’t know what to tell you.”I’ve asked her if she wants to break up, but she says she sees herself spending the rest of her life with me. I love her so much, and have been trying to be as patient as possible. I’m just not sure how much longer I can wait. A: I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I get asked variations of this question on a surprisingly regular basis. It’s normal for sex to slow down in a relationship, but experiencing such a dramatic shift can be scary and frustrating. The fact that your girlfriend won’t communicate with you makes things even worse. So, how important is sex in a relationship, anyway? It actually depends. “For some, [sex is] absolutely crucial. It is the glue that expresses intimacy and affection,” explains Carol Queen, Ph.D., sex educator and staff sexologist at Good Vibrations. “For others, there are many ways these kinds of love are expressed, and sex isn’t as high on the list. For yet others, sex is a non-priority.” For asexual couples and individuals, for instance, sex is just not as necessary to a relationship as it is to allosexual people. But obviously if both partners aren’t on the same page with what sex means to them or their desire for it — and that’s a common issue among couples … [then] the situation can become fraught, or at minimum, calls for clear and direct communication,” Queen adds.