an unprecedented display of zero tolerance for “wokeness,” the NFL kicked off its new season by disqualifying seven players for the egregious offense of kneeling during the national anthem. Yes, you read that right. While millions tuned in to watch the NFL’s season-opening ceremony, a small group of players dared to take a knee, and the league’s reaction was swift and ruthless. In a move that has sent shockwaves through the sports world, the NFL announced that it would no longer tolerate any form of protest during the anthem. Because, apparently, the league has had enough of kneeling—and anything resembling “wokeness.”
“This is a new season, free from kneeling wokeness,” declared NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at a hastily organized press conference, barely concealing his glee at finally putting an end to the four-year-old saga that’s divided fans, players, and commentators alike.
“From now on, players will stand tall, proud, and completely devoid of any political opinions—at least during the national anthem,” Goodell continued, standing in front of a large banner that read Keep Football Great, which, let’s be honest, feels a bit too on-the-nose.