As much as we all might want to believe we’re amazing between the sheets, the truth is that not everyone is inherently a first-rate lover. But how can you tell if you’re good in bed when “good in bed” is such a subjective idea in the first place? After all, everyone has different sexual likes and dislikes, so what’s “good” to one person might be awful to the next. But when you boil it down, there are a few key traits that people who are truly good at sex have in common.
“Being good in bed means that you’re an enthusiastic partner and you can communicate well,” couples therapist Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW, tells Bustle. “Having a quality bedroom experience requires both people to be comfortable with each other and their bodies. Both individuals have to be willing to learn more about their partner in order to have increased pleasure… When both partners are equal participants and are open to learning each other, then the intimacy experience is heightened.”Simply put, being good in bed isn’t just about your technical skills: it’s about your overall attitude and willingness to improve your sexual performance (even if it’s already great). According to the 2018 SKYN Condoms Millennial Sex Survey, 67 percent of millennials think of themselves as “amazing” or “very good” in bed which, IMHO, is great — being confident in bed is key! However, being overconfident in your sexual abilities can get you into trouble, because your ego might prevent you from trying new things or taking feedback from a partner. Here are some ways to know if you’re *really* good in bed, according to experts. No two bodies are exactly the same, which means that with each new sex partner you have, you’ll have to learn what feels good for them specifically — a process that doesn’t have a finite ending point.
“Amazing sex, like so many other things, requires patience, practice, observation, communication, more practice and, as a result, a lot of introspection,” Tara Struyk, Co-Founder of Kinkly, tells Bustle. “It requires you to ask yourself (and your partner) what went well — and what went not so well — and learn from those things to become a better lover over time.”If you want to be a good lover, you first have to believe you’re a good lover. Everyone has their own insecurities, but if you want to improve your performance in bed, working on boosting your confidence in yourself is a great place to start.
“Yeah, everyone’s insecure to some degree, but just believing you’ve got ‘it’ can go a long way in helping your partner get carried away in the moment,” Struyk says. “Their pleasure? You’ve got this!” It’s important to ask for what you want in bed, but sex shouldn’t be one-sided. No one likes a selfish lover.
“You haven’t turned the bedroom into a bean-counting tit-for-tat zone,” sex and relationships coach Ken Blackman tells Bustle. “Your general tendency to do nice things for each other, just because it feels good, extends right into your love life.” There’s a time and place for steamy quickie sex, but you shouldn’t always be in a rush to reach climax. A good lover is someone who takes their time, and enjoys sex every step of the way.
“You’re in no rush, because you’re enjoying the whole process,” Blackman says. “The flirtation. The feeling of wanting them, and vice versa. The undressing. All of it. You savor the afterglow just as much as the finale itself.” Although each sex session might *technically* be totally different than the last, a truly hot sex life will feel continuous — like there’s always a lingering sexual energy, even when you’re not in bed.
“Your next sex seems to pick up right where your last sex left off,” Blackman says. “The good feelings carry over into life, subtly permeating your time outside the bedroom.”
