BOURNEMOUTH, ENGLAND—Gesturing wildly with her arms and grunting whenever she spoke, Dr. Jane Goodall returned from her latest expedition with an annoying chimp accent, sources confirmed Monday. “She was there for, like, six weeks, and now she’s acting like it’s totally natural for her to puff out her lips, hit her chest with her fists, and scream unintelligible howls any time we speak,” said research assistant Jake Granger, who noted that ever since Goodall got back from the Congo rainforest, the famed primate researcher had been acting like she’d spent her entire life living as a great ape instead of growing up as a human woman born in Britain. “Before she went, she acted totally normal, but now she just keeps talking about how breaking open a termites nest and eating the larva is better than any American food and how male chimps are just more passionate lovers than any guy you can find in the states. It’s like, we get it, you had a good time there. You don’t need to spend every conversation picking bugs out of our hair to prove it.” Researchers reportedly become even more annoyed with Goodall after they confronted her and she responded by screaming, leaping into the air, and attempting to plunge her canine teeth into their necks.
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